This morning I had a welcome short flash of satisfaction and well-being before my grey blanket recovered its equilibrium and settled over me again.
I had just finished getting my wife’s lunch and supper prepared and zipped up in her insulated bag complete with ice-packs. A job well done with a modicum of creativity to boot! One of the myriad small daily tasks in my day. Coffee was made, breakfast was ready and even all cleaned up and the kitchen was ready too for my in-laws. The cats were fed and had had affection lavished on them, a load of laundry was done, the sun was shining, one blog was written and the second underway.
Yet as I write this, along with the small inner smile I feel, that persistent grayness is tugging once again at my consciousness. But at least now it is less often turning to black. This dark night of the soul is like all weather, variable and changing, sometimes lighter and sometimes very dark.
I have had for decades now a basic level of trust in my creator, a trust that despite what any current circumstances and feelings might be, continues as my baseline. What is so disturbing about this dark night of the soul is how my awareness of that trust gets obliterated for stretches of time as raging anxiety grips me so tightly I can hardly breath. But once the intensity starts to subside, my internal observer self begins to comment on what has transpired and my trust resurfaces as I’m able to reaffirm that the One has me regardless of how I feel in the moment. My self-compassion deepens bit by bit as love and trust continue to soften and loosen both the binds of my particular anxieties and the concomitant need to control my circumstances. I can see the day coming when as soon as anxiety starts to twist my gut I am able to take a deep breath and say to myself “Poor Danny, everything is going to be o.k.” and as I say this I know I am echoing my ever-loving parent creator and I truly believe that this is true.
And so, I resolve anew to continue this walk of self-acceptance and self-compassion, finding satisfaction in the small things in this life done with love. I sacrifice my ego desires for meaning and identity beyond loving service and I am grateful for the blessing of being able to share in this final journey of my in-laws.
And so for a moment I have peace. 🙂